May 5th. Day 50.

May 05, 2020

Day 50.

In honor of our 50th day in quarantine, I had the boys dress up as middle-aged, semi-balding, mid-level managers who hate their jobs, wives, and kids.

The days are flying by and I feel like I'm living inside of Einstein's Theory of Relativity. I have been in this house with my kids for a mere 50 days and also fifteen years have passed.

I've been told it's a Tuesday. Taco Tuesday. Cinco de Mayo...whatever y'all celebrate. In honor of this esteemed holiday, I microwaved a plate of chips, cheese, and days old ground beef and served it to my kids. Voila!

TODAY'S DR. YOU TUBE'S LECTURE, THE MEXICAN WAR OF INDEPENDENCE.

I, in turn, ate a plate of vegetables, as I'm trying to whittle off this quarantine weight. Now that we are no longer required to shelter in place, people besides my neighbors will get to see just how much crap I've been ingesting.

Homeschool has been decaying week by week. Either my kids are getting more efficient or they are doing jack crap. They blow through their school work in about 45 minutes flat. It's concerning.

Hand to g-d, Big E's assignment was to select a household item to represent this poor family in the book he is reading for ELA. He literally sat on the toilet, looked over, and grabbed the first thing he saw. This.

"THEY ARE USED UP AND DAMAGED"

He turned this into his teacher, much to my dismay. And this is also the story of how Big E was placed into middle school remedial ELA.

I've tried to find things to entertain their minds. I'm digging so deep. I even pulled Lin Manuel Miranda out of my bag of tricks. He taught an AP American History lecture on Friday.

Unfortunately comments were disabled so I was not able to profess my love for his genius. I did learn that he was once a substitute teacher, while he was writing In The Heights. Big E watched for about 20 minutes, but then he was done. I fear this quarantine is destroying his ability to focus.

He did perk up when I allowed him to download DEMOCRACY 3. He's running his own country. He talks to me about unemployment, healthcare, GDP, and inflation. Generally, I hate all video games, but I feel like this might actually be helping him learn about government and policy.

REMEMBER THIS FOR WHEN HE RUNS FOR PRESIDENT IN 2048. HIS UNEMPLOYMENT AND CRIME RATE ARE AT 0%.

I have noticed a few things as the days drone on. They follow me around the house, from room to room. It is very hard to carve out any time. I wonder if this is some sort of anxiety-induced shadowing syndrome. If this hasn't been invented yet, I just diagnosed them both with it.

THEY ARE AT MY FEET WHILE I EAT A SNACK AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. THEY ARE NOW DOGS.

JUST SITTING HERE ROWING WHILE LITTLE E TALKS TO ME INCESSANTLY. TRUST ME, IT'S WAY BETTER THAN LISTENING TO MY WORKOUT PLAYLIST.

Also, they are losing muscle tone at an alarming rate. Big E is no longer able to close his dresser drawers. It's concerning. Maybe I need to get them on a weight lifting circuit.

ALL JOKING ASIDE. THIS RIGHT HERE IS WHAT WILL CAUSE ME TO LOSE MY DAMN MIND. YOU READ IT HERE FIRST.

My final note of the night is about pizza. What is this about? It started with a simple "no-crust" policy. But just like everything in my life, you give them an inch, they take a mile. Pretty soon they will take one bite of the slice and be done. At the beginning of quarantine, I would have wolfed both of these down like Kobayashi.