The Mrs. Yoy Blog: The Quarantine Coronacles

I'm not talking about my kids' future social status, I'm talking about the candy. We packed up the Yoys for some early evening trick or treating.  We brought along our neighbors from across the street.  Their little boy, Mr. W, is about 18 months and learning the art of trick or treating. He didn't want to hold his candy collecting pumpkin basket, so we gave it to Little E to hold while we pushed him in his little car.  This kept him quiet and this was key. Midway through our trek around the neighborhood, we encountered a stray pit bull.  Usually the strays just keep away from you, but all I can think about are the pit bull maulings that are always in the news.  This puts us all a little on edge as we keep one eye on the dog as she hunts for food and one eye on our werewolf, scarecrow, and fireman. What we needed was a little comic relief.  And that is why we keep Little E around.  Mr. B had taken the candy basket away from Little E and just as...

Today's story began in the same parking lot as  OMG .  It must be the parking lot. We had just finished breakfast with Aunt and Cousin Yoy. Mr. Yoy was at work, so I was flying solo.  I was waiting at the light at Peachtree and Peachtree Battle (insert Atlanta joke here).  I was heading straight.  These are important details. There was also some sort of run event happening on Peachtree and they had two Atlanta Police officers out there directing the traffic out of the shopping center. The woman officer gave me the green light to make a right onto Peachtree.  I signalled that I needed to go straight and she nodded her head and told me to wait a minute. I checked the clock.  I had been sitting there for three minutes.  Little E was in desperate need for a nap.  I was a Yoy on a schedule and this was throwing a wrench into my plan.  I needed to have Little E back up from his nap at 11:30 so I could get to our next event for the day....

No, this is not a Fisher Price toy. Yesterday was the FL/GA game.  As a UF alumni living in Atlanta, this is a very important game.  Yes, I enjoy winning in general, but to win this game guarantees I have another year of care-free existence here.  I don't have to hear the "barking" from the UGA fans.  After yesterday, I think we've lost two or three since I moved here in 1999.  So, understandably, us Gators are a little on edge. Our neighbors went to college with Mr. Yoy and are also big Gator fans.  Mr. B came over to watch the second half with Mr. Yoy, Big E, and me. It was pretty hard to watch as we were playing like a giant turd.  The boys were getting frustrated while simultaneously drinking lots of liquor. There were some foul words coming out of their mouths. Even nearby sailors were covering their ears in horror. Mr. Yoy yelled out something to extent of: TACKLE THAT F*CKING GUY! I'm sure you know where this is going. Big E alre...

Today marks the three anniversary of when I left my tax job at the bank and became a SAHM.  At the time, I thought I had a good six weeks of getting the nursery ready, resting, and continuing on the food warpath until Big E arrived. Little did I know, Big E would come over three weeks early and surprise everyone.  Picture my mom and Mr. Yoy running through Walmart at 11:58pm trying to find a rocking chair so the nursery was ready for us when we came home from the hospital the next day.  I'm sorry I missed that supermarket sweep. I love staying home with my kids.  I truly enjoy them, most of the time.  So I thought I'd summarize the pros and cons of being a SAHM. Pros: 1) Spending all day with my kids. Cons: 1) Spending all day with my kids. I'm joking, I'm joking. I do miss my work colleagues and spending my days really using my brain and talking to adults.  I try to keep my brain from rotting in my head, see  Sudoku .  But sometimes...

Man, did we have a blowout fight this morning over Big E's shirt. The worst part was, Big E was the innocent bystander. After last night's amazing 11th inning victory, I put Big E in his Cardinals shirt to wear to school.  As a native of the Loo and a major fan, I thought this would be a great wardrobe choice today. Admittedly, I was unable to stay up for the end of the game last night and was completely shocked when I heard about it. Mr. Yoy took one look at the shirt and vetoed it.  I think mostly because he is still bitter about the Cards knocking the Braves out of the playoffs, but whatever. Mr. Yoy claims that as a Georgia resident, Big E needed to wear his Gator shirt in honor of tomorrow's football matchup.  Snooze. So we argued about it and of course, Big E took my side. He would not take the Cardinals shirt off and Mr. Yoy had to tear it off Big E as he screamed and cried. I didn't feel bad about that at all.  Mr. Yoy should have let Big E wear...

Ah, ketchup.  It is a very polarizing condiment.  Aunt and Uncle Yoy would rather eat dirt than put ketchup on their french fries.  But Big E, he is a major ketchup guy. I have figured out that he will eat anything with ketchup on it. Chicken?  CHECK! Carrots?  CHECK! Cucumber? CHECK! Grapes?  CHECK! Tomatoes?  Seems like overkill, but CHECK! I'm pretty sure if I presented him with a heaping plate of dog poop with a side of ketchup, he'd at least try to eat it. So how can I hate ketchup?  The gateway food for proteins and veggies, food that Big E may not eat otherwise. I'll tell you why. This sh*t gets everywhere.  After dinner tonight Big E stood up and had what appeared to be a bullet hole in his shorts hovering near his left thigh. I thought, did I miss when the sniper came through the kitchen and shot up my kid? He didn't appear to be injured, so I chalked it up to ketchup. Good thing I just bought a giant bottle...

The locksmith came out today to reinforce the doors of the Yoy house.  This was a major project.  We now have metal reinforcements around the door frame, locks, and hinges.  Do you hear that bad guys?  Go to a different house!  This house is a fortress!  Plus we have lasers (maybe). It took the locksmith, Kevin, about four hours to reinforce all the doors. Hot on his heels the entire time, was my little micromanager, Big E. What are you doing? What's that sound? Where are you going? Kevin was very kind with Big E.  He answered all his questions without frightening him with the real reason our doors were being "checked". See  Putting the "hood" in neighborhood. He was probably wishing he had an i-Pod right about now and some very loud heavy metal or gangsta rap to drown out the inquisition. As Kevin was completing the doors, Big E took a mega-poop.  I needed to settle up the bill, but I didn't want the locksmith to drop dead...

Little E was diagnosed with Eczema at the doctor. Apparently, it is exacerbated by sweating and hotness. With the drop in temps, I've been putting him in fleece jammies and a sleep sack.  This coupled with the heat did a number on his skin.  The kid has sensitive skin in general (see Please don't judge me ), but I've never seen it this bad. The doctor told me to put him back in cotton jammies and just a blanket, not a sleep sack. STOP THE PRESSES!  Little E can use a blanket? He'll be 15 months at the end of this week, but I still have this crazy, irrational fear that he is going to wrap his head up in the blanket and suffocate. Tell me I'm being crazy.  I really try not to be crazy mom. I'm shooting more for the relaxed and chilled mom type. In fact, I don't even have a baby monitor.  So even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to watch Little E smother himself with his sweet little rocket ship themed blanket. After a 30 minute fight with m...

Today's bad mommy moment was brought to you by Little E, a hill, and a Publix shopping cart. I was the West Paces Publix.  Really I was at the West Paces Goldberg's, but decided to pick up a few things while I was so close to Publix. I had the sweet parallel parking spot right in front of Goldberg's.  I pushed Little E in the cart to unload our groceries.  I stopped the cart at the car and began to unload the groceries. Everything was going smoothly until I heard a bang.  The Publix cart had rolled off the curb and done a header into the side of my beloved Sienna. Sh*t! I cursed in front of my baby.  I feel bad about that. Little E started crying.  Thank goodness I had strapped him in.  He was fine, just startled. A man sitting on the bench outside of Goldberg's going to town on his smoothie commented in a tone I did not appreciate: I saw that happening! Oh really?  Well how about a head's up?  Maybe like, hey lady - your b...

Over the past week I have cleaned out our foyer closet, the boys' playroom closet, and cleaned the inside of the fridge. I find it to be very therapeutic.  Plus, after watching many episodes of Hoarders, I'm trying my best to not end up on that show. Mrs. Yoy, we are here today to talk about your compulsive Sudoku puzzle book hoarding problem. We have even found mouse droppings in them. In case I lost you, the above paragraph would be how my Hoarders episode played out. Although Mr. Yoy is very grateful for my efforts, he still can't shake the feeling that I'm nesting.  Every time I show him a clean closet he says anxiously... Are you sure you're not pregnant? I'm not.  I swear. I'm just trying to live a simpler, more organized life. Our foyer closet before I worked my magic.

This statement would have been fine, if Big E had declared it during dinner when he was actually eating sweet potato. Inside, he reported it to me in between licks of his hands. With winter looming, I've been moisturizing the hell out of the Yoys at bedtime.  We use Aveeno Baby Calming & Comfort Lotion - Lavender & Vanilla. It smells like heaven.  I can see its allure. In fact, back in my days at UF, I was a big fan of this deodorant that smelled like candy.  I can't remember the brand, but it seriously smelled delicious.  I told my roommate jokingly that I wanted to taste it.  And when I accidentally did, while trying to be funny, I learned the hard way that deodorant is not edible.  In fact, it tasted what I thought battery acid would taste like. Anyway, back to Big E.  He assumes everything out of a tube is hand sanitizer.  As soon as I pull the lotion out, he requests some on his hands.  He rubs them together like h...

Oh, not that kind of late. Like, the one time I have to drive Big E to school I sleep until 8:26.  This is total un-Mrs. Yoy behavior.  I usually awake around 7 on my own, singing and happy to greet the day. The middle of the night storms and my hourly bad guy check kept me up half the night and I was sleeping it off.  I could hear Big E yelling through our wall. GET ME OUT OF HERE!  GET ME OUT OF HERE! Whoops! I had about 14 minutes to get both Yoys up, dressed, and fed before we needed to leave for an on time school arrival. Oh, and myself, I had to get dressed. I can't really recall what happened over the next 15 minutes.  There was a lot of running, yelling, and racing up and down the stairs.  I'm pretty sure there was also some sort of motivational theme music. I asked Big E what he wanted to take along in the car for his breakfast. He asked for a bagel and cream cheese. Uh, hello, this isn't Goldberg's.  I obliged anyway, beca...

Lucky for you, I'm going to give you both. Little E had a wonderful dinner tonight of rotisserie chicken, carrots, avocado, and grapes.  He cleared his plate with the exception of a few pieces of chicken. Instead of throwing away the chicken, I placed it in Poodle Yoy's bowl so she could have a really good dinner. Consider it her reward for how hard she works at keeping my kitchen floor spotless.  She must not have seen me put the food in her bowl because she is usually all over it. I took Little E out of his highchair so he could play a little before we began bath time. Then I ran outside for literally a minute.  I wanted to see if the new flood light sensors I had installed out front were working.  Some were, some weren't, but that's a different story and even more proof that the Yoys aren't "do-ers" no matter what Home Depot says. Anyway, I hurry back inside because I trust no one.  Not Big E, not Little E, not even the dog. Big E was lining...

What is a UDO you ask? I will tell you. It is an Unidentified Diaper Object.  You're intrigued, I know. Little E had a dirty diaper.  I picked up that sack of potatoes and carried him up to his changing table.  I don't normally excavate his BMs, but I noticed something blue. Was it a crayon?  He is hot for crayons. Nope, not a crayon. I pulled it out and wiped it down.  It was a square piece of blue plastic the size of a quarter.  My best guess was a toy car door. I took a picture to send to a lucky few, but I'll spare you the details. I have a few comments about this incident: 1)  I'm so thankful that Little E didn't choke while eating the blue plastic UDO. 2) When did he eat the UDO?  I normally don't leave him unattended to devour plastic pieces as he chooses. 3) I wonder if this hurt as it made its way through his system. 4) I wonder if it did any damage to his intestines, stomach, bowels, etc. The whole thing really sc...

My brain is rotting in my head. I just know it. Today I dragged the Yoys to Home Depot to load up on exterior lighting and timers in response to last week's neighbor break-in. I spent about 20 minutes peppering the Home Depot employee with all sorts of questions. I had a cart full of timers and light bulbs and a few other things. I roll up to the check out lane and unload my cart of everything except Big and Little E. I reach into the diaper bag to grab my wallet.  I dig and I dig and I dig. Then a light bulb goes off, pun intended. My wallet is in my other purse. OH MAN!  My whole trip was a waste. I ask the check out lady if she can bag all of my stuff and keep it behind the counter.  I'd need to come back for it. She was very understanding. I then called Mr. Yoy at work and asked him to run over there and buy all the stuff for me, as I could not stomach a return trip which included loading and unloading the Yoys AGAIN. Mr. Yoy saved the day! ...

Big E was eating dinner.  I know, I know, another meal time story.  You must think all we do is eat, and this may or may not be true. He was "sitting" at the kitchen table in a chair.  I put "sitting" in quotes because he never actually puts his bottom in the seat.  Tonight he was squatting sideways in the chair. He took a bite of his delicious dinner and did a back flip out of his chair. Dang!  My son just literally flipped over my cooking! Not really.  He lost his balance - an event I've been predicting he'd do since we took him out of the highchair. He landed on his eye, fork in hand, food in mouth.  He was silent crying, which in my opinion, is the most pathetic.  He was still chewing, so that was a good sign. He finally was able to make some sobbing noises. I rushed to him and rubbed his eye and kissed his forehead.  He calmed down pretty fast. What I really wanted to do was shout: I TOLD YOU SO! Because I did.  ...

Tonight we had an event that kept us out of the house until around 7.  As we neared home, Big E kept falling asleep in the back of the van. Big E!  Wake up!  Don't fall asleep!  We are almost home! The problem with him falling asleep, even if it is for ten minutes, is then he is UP.  Tonight, I need him to be ready for a twelve hour coma.  Especially because I, too, am ready for a twelve hour coma. We make it home and he doesn't fight me on bed time. We read some books and I tuck him in. Good night, Big E! I hear a few melodies out of him, but he quiets down almost immediately. This is my big chance!  I can finally take a shower to wash off a day's worth of Yoy crud. I'm in the shower.  We have lined up on a shelf eight bottles of miscellaneous bath stuff.  Of which, we use none.  Above the bottles is a shower squeegee hooked onto a suction cup. Tonight, the squeegee decided to leap off the glass and take out every single...

This is happening again? Big E spent the better part of 45 minutes at dinnertime gutting his quesadilla.  He was pulling the cheese out and licking the tortilla.  Appetizing, I know. He left the table and began to play.  I asked him if he was done with dinner. YES OR NO? He said yes. So I pitched the quesadilla carcass. And...GO! Gripping a spoon and a fork, he ran to the trash and started fishing for his dinner. I pulled his little arms out of the trash.  He immediately reached back in.  He was crying for his dinner.  I pulled the whole trash bag out and went to tie it up.  I noticed the spoon was now missing.  Big E was clawing at the bag and screaming.  Big tears were streaming down his face. QUESADILLA!  QUESADILLA!  QUESADILLA! Ugh, for the last time Big E, we don't eat food out of the trash!  See  What won't Big E eat? I grabbed the bag and ran into the garage to search for my spoon in dimly lit...

Sunday night we opened the windows to let the brisk fall air in. I was all snuggled into my bed and sleeping away.  It was 5:45 am. Then I heard it. BANG!  Then a security alarm.  I immediately leapt out of bed and went to our back window.  Nothing there.  I ran to Big E's bathroom and looked out the window.  Again nothing. Another BANG!  What in the world?  I ran to the front window and peeked out.  Neighbor Yoy's car came flying out of his driveway, driven by someone other than our neighbor.  And so did some guy holding his TV. Holy crap, our neighbors were being robbed.  I went screaming like a banshee into our bedroom. NEIGHBOR YOY IS BEING ROBBED!  NEIGHBOR YOY IS BEING ROBBED! Mr. Yoy jumped out of bed.  I called 911.  I could barely breathe. We couldn't believe our eyes.  We were living our very own episode of Cops, but this wasn't entertaining.  It was freaking crazy! The robbers left...

Before you all lose your minds, it's not happening.  See No More Yoys . Last night, I was at a karaoke party. I was chatting up one of the guys there and he whispered if congratulations were in order and pointed to my belly area. I was mortified. WHAT? OH NO, NO, NO. Poor guy.  He was equally mortified.  He quickly explained that the hostess had told him one of her pregnant friends was coming over.  I guess he thought I was her. In his defense, the dress I was wearing had an empire waist with a full volume skirt.  I guess it could be mistaken for maternity-esqe. Also, I have a permanent pooch now where my pregnancies have stretched out my stomach/skin so that I'll never have a flat tummy again, without any surgical help, that is.  (Thanks Yoys!) Plus, after fasting all day for the Kip, I had just eaten ten pounds of bagels, egg salad, and cookies.  I could be having a Yom Kippur baby, I guess. How do I make this situation better? I ...

I just got home from a relaxing, Sunday night, Yoy-free trip to Publix. It was awesome.  The store was pretty much empty and I was unwinding from my day.  Yes, it is lame that shopping for food helps me unwind, but I take what I can get. I'm in the canned veggie aisle and walking towards me was a woman with a t-shirt that read: I HAD A NIGHTMARE I WAS A BRUNETTE I did a double take. Wow, this was very awkward, you see.  As I was wearing a t-shirt that read: I HAD A NIGHTMARE I WAS IN PUBLIX AND A SKINNY BLOND WOMAN WAY TOO OLD TO BE WEARING A B*TCHY ATTITUDE T-SHIRT WALKED BY ME. (the print on the shirt is a little on the small side) We kept passing each other as we each made our way through the store. I started getting angry. First of all, this is what you had a nightmare about? Not losing your job?  Or having a family illness?  Or a terrorist attack? But the thing that really got my goose was that she wasn't even a real blond.  She ...

I'm outside blowing bubbles with Big E. He is running around, jumping up, and popping the bubbles with his hands. There is nothing but joy on his face.  Not me. Why does this strike a chord of uncomfortable familiarity? Then, it hits me. Apparently, I've been watching way too many Saturday Night Lives, as all I can think of is Big E's eerie resemblance to her: Her hands. Oy.

Last night, after the Yoys were down for the count, I was doing my nightly cleaning/straightening. I walked into the kitchen.  There was my arch nemesis. Staring at me.  Mocking me. Our glass kitchen table.  In the almost three years the Yoys have been around, this table has yet to look clean. I wipe the table down at least once a day, and it always has little Yoy prints all over it.  On top of the CSI scene, there is the day's worth of food crusted on both the top and bottom of the glass. Oh, how I hate you glass table.  Why did we ever buy you? At least with a wood table, the prints are camouflaged.  I guess we never imagined the mess two little people could make. What about place mats, you ask?  Big E uses them for hats or lines them up on the floor, so they are rendered useless. And what goes best with a glass table, why cloth chairs, of course.  Big E has taken to eating his meals sitting on his feet, backwards.  So the tops ...

I regret to inform you that the two little pieces on the kitchen floor were not Hershey's Kisses. They were Little E kisses. Big E spotted them immediately.  Poop!  Poop!  Poop! I bent over to take a look.  Unfortunately, Big E was correct. Little E had a blow out while eating his lunch today.  I only noticed it once he had been let out of his highchair and made the rounds of the house.  Included in his pre-discovery activity was a trip to the mailbox on my hip. Mrs. Yoy and the kitchen floor were part of the collateral damage. I'm done for the day.  I've changed four nasty diapers between the two of them. Paging Mr. Yoy!  You are needed immediately at home! This could have gone so much better.

This morning we met Aunt Yoy and Cousin Yoy at Goldberg's for some chow before hitting up the park for a nice walk. As usual, Goldberg's was crowded and they sat a large party at the table next to us.  It was close quarters. Out came our food.  Aunt Yoy and I spent the next five minutes getting everyone situated before we were able to eat. Finally.  My breakfast.  Come to mama! I'm shoveling my food in, as usual, and I look up to a shocking scene. The waitress was standing with her backside to Little E while she was taking the order for the table next to us. Like I said, it was close quarters. It was close enough that Little E was able to reach out with his T-Rex arms and firmly plant his hand on this woman's booty.  He was totally digging in and copping a feel. LITTLE E! I shouted at him and he jumped.  He removed his hand immediately.  The waitress laughed.  The entire table next to us laughed.  I apologized profusely for my...

Bath time at the Yoys. I'm going through my mental checklist of items needed: Yoys - CHECK Wash rags - CHECK Fleet of bath toy boats - CHECK Soap - CHECK Shampoo -  CHECK Toothbrushes - CHECK We are in excellent shape. I start the assembly line process of washing the boys. Big E is playing with one of the smaller toy boats.  He looks up at me, bats his giant eyelashes, and asks... MOM, WHERE IS BABY MOSES? I KNEW I WAS FORGETTING SOMETHING! The water and the tiny toy boat must have invoked memories of Passover. We were fresh out of Baby Moseses here at the Yoys, so I asked Big E where he thought he was. He proudly replied BM (my new nickname for him) was at school. At least Mr. Yoy and I know we are getting our money's worth out of school.  Not only are they teaching him all about the holidays, but apparently they have a BM there. Well done, well done. Where is Baby Moses?